Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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