I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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