Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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