She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just want nice things and good sex
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
