He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
