I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
