Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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