I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
