My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
