i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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