I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
