Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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