literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
