I think my fart just growled at me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize