I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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