I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
