apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
