my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
