god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
