I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
