I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
