real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Randomize
