This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
