The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
