Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
