Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
