I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
