I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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