I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize