I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
