life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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