I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize