you guys were way drunker than both of me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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