Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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