Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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