you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
