Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize