Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
