Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
