Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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