I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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