Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
