I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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