Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
