I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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