She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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