I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
