hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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