I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
