New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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