I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
