I just gift wrapped bread.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
