3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize