so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
