even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
