Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
