i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Text me some of your sweat
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
