hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Randomize
