guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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