You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
