i just sent this text using only my big toe
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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