What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
